Going through life with BPD is like running a race where everyone else has two fully functioning legs, while you have one and a potato sack. You were shot in the foot before you even began, but the other runners don’t understand why you can’t just get up and do it, or why you keep tripping over yourself. They don’t understand that it’s like losing a limb: you can have a full life, but you have to work twice as hard to learn or relearn what others have had their entire lives and don’t think twice about.
It’s a constant deep, guttural loneliness penetrating everything you do, yet only knowing peace when you’re alone. It’s hanging on to every word, gesture, or look–a constant hypervigilance, scanning for signs of rejection. You have no internal well to pull from and no emotional object permanence. Every moment starts at zero, like a bucket full of holes, needing constant refills to hold onto anything at all. A kind word said in the morning has no weight in the night. You feel like a scared little kid, lip quivering, keenly aware that it’s not your fault you got this way.
It’s constant performance, a crafted identity–always spiral, never rest. Things that come as easy as breathing for most are a constant fight. You can’t be yourself unless given permission. You think you have your “self” locked down—you collect interests and memories, certain of who you are—but your personality in the moment is entirely dependent on others’ reception. Your biggest opposition, your biggest critic, lives within you and has the voice of anyone you meet: a projection of all sides of the conversation. You live in the third person, experiencing your own words and actions from the outside and never from within. It’s your attention slowly fading in a conversation, the sound of voices growing distant as your thoughts drift into self-consciousness. It’s hearing others’ laughter and feeling your heart break, like watching life and people pass you by through a cloudy window.
Will they like this or this? Which version of me will be most effective? I should be more this way so they’ll like me. No, this way would be better. Why did I say that? They probably think I’m such an asshole. I’d think the same, I’m so annoying. It’s over. How do I fix this? I always do this. I wish I could be normal. I wish they knew the real me, they would like me more if I could act authentically. All people ever see is the anxiety, they never understand. All I’ve ever wanted is connection, I don’t know why it’s so hard. Nevermind, I don’t need them, I’m great. I’m awesome, look at everything I’ve done. I deserve to love myself. I feel better. I like this thing, and I like that about myself; I feel confident, I’m so cool and have a ton of friends. Oh no, they reacted weird–now I feel like a loser no one wants to talk to, I’m so socially awkward. My outfit sucks and is probably adding to their negative perception. Remember, this person said something nice to me yesterday, maybe I should believe them. But then they passed by without saying hi this morning. Ugh, I’m doing it again. I’m so tired. It’s always the same pattern–different social groups, same trajectory, I’m the common denominator. I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life.
Self-love advice and mindset changes that have changed others’ lives don’t work for you. Friends who have “learned to love themselves” don’t understand that it’s not the same for you; it’s like a part of you, deeply embedded in your biology, the thinking and lived reality that you are not enough, that you don’t deserve. Peel back the layers and you’ll find starting a self-worth journey is near impossible, because deep down you don’t even believe you deserve to learn to love yourself. However consciously you might be sick of this reality and want better for yourself, it’s as if you fundamentally believe this is what you deserve–like keeping yourself down prevents you from harming others, from being a burden. If you learn to love yourself, then you’ll be an imperfect person out there in the world no longer obsessing over your mistakes, no longer vigilant about making others comfortable, increasing the risk of rejection or isolation.
If you’re like me and you’re a wonderful mix of things like OCD and ADHD (comorbidities are extremely common), then you know what it’s like to feel as if every brain cell is actively working against you, diametrically opposed to getting better. The issues constantly compound, bouncing off each other like a pinball machine and making it harder to heal.
It’s a crippling self-awareness of all of these tendencies. It’s constant irony: the thing you desire above all is to feel loved and accepted, but you just can’t seem to stop getting in your own way. It’s a special type of selfish selflessness: you are hyper-sensitive to the needs and emotions of others, but every conversation becomes a bid for reassurance–hindering mindful, authentic connection. Insecurity flows into everything you do and say, creating a false cockiness that obscures your true desires and deepens the divide. All you do, all you can do is work on yourself constantly, making invisible progress that feels forever insufficient.
It’s difficult showing up in a place where most people are over the hump, confident in themselves and able to navigate social situations with the typical, shared anxiety. You watch group dynamics and friendships fall into place with ease. You’re not there yet, and you can’t gaslight yourself out of this. It’s not as simple as talk therapy + medication + mindset change. You are deeply altering your entire world view, your entire sense of self and the fundamental lens of your reality, through which you have experienced all your life up to this moment.
You are desperately trying to give yourself grace. It doesn’t have to be your reality forever, although it seems like that most days. Many give up hope, but not you. You feel the weight of all this, but the funny thing is, you’ll feel on top of the world in 10 minutes. In 10 minutes, you’ll remember how awesome everything is, how much you’ve done and how excited you are for future events. Someone will compliment you and suddenly you’ll remember that your outfit is hot, you’re caring and cool, you’re not a degenerate lost cause but a beloved friend to many. And it’ll give you something to hold on to for as long as you are able, for the short couple of hours before the bucket is empty again.
Sky's Blue Thoughts 
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